Competition: And the winners are...

The results are in. Competition was tough. Literally some people entered and bored the colon out of me with your whinging views on perfect pubs. I've decided to ruin my Boxing Day to announce the results. Humbug. Humbug! Humbug Stout, anyone?


Simplicity and tradition seemed to be your watchwords. Pubs games scored highly. I'm not too keen on darts - particularly the shiny-bloused bingo-winged contingent. Something with local rules that at first glance resembles one game but actually plays completely differently is always fun (bar billiards etc). Although I still think Fin's suggestion of Cheese Skittles sounds more like a bar snack.

Speaking of which, many of you rightly identified decent food as an essential item. I liked Louise's notion of fresh fish - but then to keep it freshest the ideal pub would have to be by the sea. And I live ninety miles inland. And I would quite like to get to this pub without an expedition. Simple foody stuff wins me over, so cyclingjohn's suggestion of "huge chunks of Yorkshire cheeses and pork pies with crusty cobs to help yourself" sounds ideal. Bonus points to Scott, though, for being the only one to suggest pork scratchings. There is no finer accompaniment to a pint of stout than a fried pig's eyebrow that almost liquefies when you bite into it.

Animals were a contentious point. Many of you were keen to see a cat or dog knocking around. Although I don't agree with him, Gazza gets a bottle of beer the next time I meet him for eloquently describing dogs as "filthy, trip-hazard shit machines". Andrew mentioned my ideal pub animal - chickens. You can't beat an in-house egg machine.

Music was a divisive issue. Sloshing pints into the mosh pit proved as popular as the sound of silence. I liked harrisoni's idea of "low level classical/jazz", though only because it conjured up an image of recumbant trumpeters. But cyclingjohn got a stack of points for the suggesting "no noise boxes, including juke/piped/children".

Random (i.e. possibly drunken) ideas were most welcome. Some actually made this miserable old toper chuckle. Andrew for suggesting lock-ins ("just to be Old School"). Fin's spontaneous singing. Gazza's seasonal special crisps from Seabrooks. Dubbel gets mucho kudos for "at least one ridiculously fit girl-next-door barmaid who is utterly oblivious to leering eyes". All of which, however, pale by comparison to magicdave6's suggestions; "Wood is key in soo many factors so i'll just say woodish nature" made me think of the pub coming alive like a Green Man. And who could argue with his Aristotle-ish observation that it must be "somewhere that has beer"?

So then, who tickled me enough to win the bottles of imbibing fluid? Well, for his blunt and honest suggestions that culminated in the sublime point of the perfect pub being one that "Uncle Mort would favour", the goodies go to cyclingjohn. And because our sponsors (beermerchants.com) are generous old salts, a case will also wing its way to Fin as well, as he almost described exactly the kind of pub that I frequent almost every week.

Thanks to everyone who posted or emailed. Thanks to beermerchants.com for the prizes. And if you chortled at any point when reading this story but didn't enter - next time, you know what to do!